Huge.

Big Red* was a monster. A 350 pound lazy, fat, useless, monster. It’s a funny thing that when you are working on boilers the contractor expects you to climb through the manway to actually go inside that boiler. But Big Red thought that his size would give him a pass.

He didn’t take into consideration that Boilermakers have literally no sympathy for shirkers. No sympathy at all, none, zippo, nada. Nooo mama.  Boilermakers are some of the hardest workers I have ever worked with. I’ve always said that Boilermakers don’t just work on a job they ‘attack it.’

Except for Red.

After second coffee with no Red inside the boiler the entire crew stood outside the boiler and waited for Red to show. When he finally lumbered up the stairs every man on the crew pointed to the manway.

There’s a way to get into a manway that sort of looks like you are swimming a side-stroke. That is, if you are a normal size. If you are a fat slob Jabba the Hut with a body like a mudslide, to get into a boiler you have to do the ‘Walrus.’

Red Walrus’d into the manway. Except half way into the passageway his pants got caught. He ended up inside the boiler with his pants around his ankles.   Red decided to walrus back out, except half way back his shirt got caught and it ended up around his neck.

Red then walked towards the cool-down tent and fainted. Slowly.  As he lay on that dirty concrete floor PeePee** walked over and outlined Red’s body in chalk.

*Not his real name.
**His real nickname.