“The trouble with living in an old apartment is that they creak. All the time, creak, creak, creak. Bob , you ever lived in an old apartment?”
“No! No never! Never have , never will again!”
“About as useless as a midget with a yo-yo.”
“About as ugly as a half-chewed caramel.”
“Smelled like a skunk that shit in some work socks.” Andy Weir The Martian.
“Tighter than a lid on a pickle jar.”
and finally
“Ass-cheeks gripping his panties like a vacumn.”
Rick Ranson 