Rick Ranson

“I’ve only taken Welfare twice in my life. Only twice. Once for 14 years and the other time for 20 years.”

“That’s quite the accomplishment. How old are you?”

“34.”

Willard and Kevin were Boilermakers from Nova Scotia. The last time they were working together Willard was on nights and Kevin was on days. So even though they shared the apartment they never saw each other.

One morning Kevin left Willard a present. Before he left for work he tucked 16 firecrackers underneath the toaster with the wick wrapped around the toaster’s elements.

Willard came home for breakfast; put the toast in the toaster and settled down to make some coffee.

But not for long.

“The only thing he’s ever done right is he came out of the right set of testicles!

“You tell your old lady to quit phoning me!”

“That’s a nice beauty mark. Do you want me to lance it?”

“He had an anus replacement, but the anus rejected him.”

“He’s so tight he invented Limbo dancing when he discovered pay toilets.”

“Oh sure! Its lots of fun until its your wife!”

And finally…

“He couldn’t pour piss out of a rubber boot even with instructions written on the heel.”

I always knew that 30 years working in construction camps would come in handy.

One of the great things about being a writer and a worker is people are eager to tell you their stories, as long as you don’t reveal their names.

“We were in a shutdown in Sarnia. Me and my brother were working together in Tower #14.  We came out of the tower for the last time and as we just finished sealing it up I turned to my brother and said;

“Where’s the tools?”
“He looks at me an I look at him, an we both look back at the tower.”
“We had left the tools inside the tower. We didn’t tell anybody about it. Even the guys would give you shit for leaving tools inside a tower.

“So a year passes, and they have another shutdown.
My brother and I were working together again and he says;
“I wonder if those tools are still inside the tower.
“So we went over to the tower and have a look.

“The galvanized pail was melted almost to nothing. The flashlight was just wires and an outline on the steel floor where the batteries were. But the wrenches? They were bright and shiny and they looked like they were brand new.”

 

 

In one of the bedrooms in a Fort McMurray construction camp it was found that one worker had hoarded 276 breakfast sized boxes of Raisin Bran. The comment was made that…

“I don’t know, other than stealing all those boxes of Raisin Bran , he seemed like a pretty regular guy.”