Rick Ranson

One day I visited a union local far away from my own. I was standing by the front counter when I happened to glance at the collection of funeral announcement cards. After reading every card I said out loud.
“Holy shit all these guys are younger than me.”
An old beat-up guy stopped a moment and stood beside me looking at the funeral notices.
“Its all the shit they put in the booze. It’s just a crime.”
I looked at him standing there shaking, with his face like a Ritz Cracker and nicotine stained fingers and said.
“Naw, its the booze they put in the booze.”

 

“I grew up in Cape Breton. During the 1930’s Depression nobody had any money.  The farmers were barely able to feed themselves by growing large gardens, and canning, drying and pickling the veggies.
“As far as meat was concerned having beef cattle was a losing proposition. It cost more to feed the cattle than the farmer could get at the slaughter-house.
“Except for this one guy.
“He had a herd of 250 cattle at the start of the Depression. When everybody else was running around losing their heads he quietly went to the government offices and took out a trapper’s licence.
“Once a month he’d slaughter a cow and use that unsaleable meat to bait his traps.
“He spent the entire Depression quietly out in the woods trapping animals for their fur.
“That farmer was the only one in the whole municipality that made any money for the full ten years of the Depression.

 

 

A tourist in Barcelona in obvious distress walks up to a dark skinned local.
“Hey pal … er, cig-nor. Ou es la bano?” He near shouted.
The local looked at the tourist.
“La Bano! La Bano! THE TOILETTE!”
“Ah si, si! The cat in the hat stays on the mat.”
“No! No! Bano. BANO!”
The local smiled at the tourist.
“Mat?”
“Ah F!@#$% Off.” The distressed tourist under even more pressure stomped off.
The local’s wife walked over.
“Ralph, one of these days you’re going to get caught doing that.”
“What? I was just helping a guy find a can.”

 

In Russia if they say, “You were born with a shirt.” It means you are lucky.

‘Not my circus. Not my monkeys.’ Polish.

‘As smooth as Baby Jesus in velvet diapers.’   A smooth wine in France.

‘Money brought by winds can be taken by storms.’ Iranian saying.

‘Like a grain of salt, dissolved.’ Into thin air, Arabic.

‘He tries to fart higher than his own ass.’ Has pretentions, France.
Il pe’te plus haut que son cul.

 

 

 

President of the United States John Quincey Adams kept a pet alligator in a White House bathroom. He also attempted to send an expedition to the North Pole to see where the gate to it was.